Parenting a young child means living alongside some of the most intense, unpredictable emotions you will ever encounter. The joy of a child who has just spotted a dog on the street. The devastation of one whose biscuit broke in half. The volcanic fury of a toddler who has been told they cannot have another episode of their favourite programme. The heartbreaking sadness of a child who did not get invited to a birthday party.
Young children feel everything enormously. And because their brains are still developing – particularly the parts responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation – they often have very little ability to manage those feelings on their own. That is where we come in.
Helping children understand and express their emotions is one of the most important things we can do as parents and carers. It is also, if we are honest, one of the things many of us were never really taught ourselves. Here is a practical, warm guide to getting started.
Why Emotional Literacy Matters
Emotional literacy – the ability to identify, understand, and express emotions – is not a soft skill. It is a fundamental life skill, and one that has a profound impact on children’s wellbeing, relationships, and even academic success.
Children who have a rich emotional vocabulary are better able to communicate what they need, form positive relationships with others, manage conflict constructively, and recover from setbacks. They are less likely to act out behaviourally, because they have the words and tools to express what they are feeling rather than exploding or shutting down.
Research consistently shows that children whose parents talk openly and warmly about emotions have better emotional regulation, stronger empathy, and more positive social relationships. The conversations we have with our children about feelings – however small and everyday they might seem – genuinely matter.
Start with the Basics: Name the Feelings
The most important place to start is simply naming emotions – your child’s and your own. When your child is upset, instead of rushing to fix the situation or distract them, try narrating what you observe: “You look really frustrated. That puzzle piece is being tricky, isn’t it?” When something makes them happy, name that too: “You’re beaming! You loved seeing Grandma today.”
This naming does several things at once. It validates your child’s experience – letting them know that what they feel has been seen and understood. It gives them vocabulary to use when describing their own feelings in future. And it helps them begin to make sense of the internal experiences that can otherwise feel overwhelming and confusing.
Start with the basics – happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, surprised – and build from there. As children get older, you can introduce more nuanced vocabulary: frustrated, anxious, jealous, proud, embarrassed, disappointed. The richer your child’s emotional vocabulary, the better equipped they are to navigate the complex emotional landscape of childhood and beyond.
Validate Before You Fix
One of the most common – and understandable – instincts parents have when a child is upset is to immediately try to make it better. To explain why the thing they are upset about does not matter, or to offer a solution, or to point out that it could be worse. This comes from love. But it often backfires.
Children, like adults, primarily need to feel heard before they can move on. If a child comes to you in distress and is immediately met with “well, you should have been more careful” or “it’s not a big deal”, the message they receive is: your feelings are not important. Over time, this can lead children to hide their emotions rather than express them.
Try validating first, even when the thing they are upset about seems trivial: “I know. It’s really disappointing when that happens.” Or simply: “That sounds really hard.” You do not have to agree that the situation is as catastrophic as your child believes. You just need to let them know that you can see they are struggling, and that is okay.
Once a child feels heard, they are usually much more receptive to problem-solving, comfort, or moving on.
Model Emotional Openness Yourself
Children learn primarily by watching the adults around them. If we want them to be emotionally open and literate, one of the most powerful things we can do is model that ourselves.
This does not mean overwhelming children with adult emotions or burdening them with worries they are too young to process. It means narrating our own emotional experiences in age-appropriate ways: “I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today – I need a quiet cup of tea.” “I felt so proud watching you at your show today.” “I’m a bit nervous about this new thing I’m trying, but I’m going to have a go anyway.”
When children see that the adults they love have feelings too – and that those feelings can be named, managed, and talked about – it normalises emotional experience and gives them a powerful template to follow.
Books Are a Brilliant Tool
Picture books are one of the most valuable resources parents have when it comes to emotional literacy. A good children’s book can introduce complex emotions in a safe, contained way – giving children the language and framework to process their own experiences through the lens of a character they love.
There is a wonderful range of books aimed at young children that deal with everything from starting nursery to dealing with anger, coping with change, understanding jealousy, and managing anxiety. Reading together and talking about how the characters feel – “Why do you think she’s feeling like that? Have you ever felt that way?” – is one of the simplest and most effective emotional literacy tools available.
When Children Struggle More Than Expected
Some children find emotional regulation genuinely difficult – more so than their peers. This can be for all sorts of reasons: temperament, sensory sensitivities, developmental differences, or significant changes or stresses in their lives. If you are concerned about your child’s emotional wellbeing or behaviour, it is always worth talking to your health visitor, GP, or the staff at your child’s early years setting.
Good early years practitioners are experienced in supporting children’s emotional development and can often offer valuable insight into how your child is doing in the setting – which can look quite different to home.
The Role of a Good Early Years Setting
A high-quality early years setting does not just support cognitive development. It plays a central role in children’s emotional development too – building emotional literacy through play, story, conversation, and consistent, warm relationships with trusted adults.
Settings like Kensington Kindergarten understand that emotional wellbeing is not separate from learning – it is the foundation on which all learning rests. When children feel safe, seen, and emotionally supported, they are free to be curious, take risks, and thrive.
Start the conversations early. Name the feelings. Listen more than you fix. Model openness yourself. These small, consistent habits build something genuinely powerful – a child who understands themselves, and who knows that their inner world is worth talking about.
